The Adulterous woman

As a 33-year-old single woman, what I look back on is me asking and pleading with my ex, not to leave me, I will be alone, and I won't be able to recover if we don't make it.

I have endured so much heartache and disappointments since 2017, I was in a traumatic relationship that I did not want while attending bible college with an older man and mentor.

I had so many people telling me I was the temptress, that I had a sex problem, a wolf in sheep's clothing, a whore, and that I wouldn't be used by God, because of my sexual sin. Blaming me as I was the one who made this mentor figure fall into sin.

Years before, I almost went to jail for an inappropriate relationship with a minor. Due to the rumors and the gossip of others, I was protecting a 15-year-old from his abusive family. But I was taking advantage of this innocent child. Having people I grew up with, telling me at my place of work, I should be in hell, that I was a disgrace, due to the perception of their own opinions they made about me and not the truth.

I have been the adulterous woman in so many eyes, but where I stand as of today, is a woman who is celibate and always has when men are not in the picture, I know how to control myself, but I have allowed men to have their way with me, which has resulted in pain, heartache, rejection, loss, and betrayal and unfortunately, my reputation was trashed.

With all of what I have been through since I was 23, and a brand new baby Christian just figuring out what this walk looks like with Jesus, my brokenness was never addressed to heal, 10 years later I find myself somehow in a different place emotionally. I have been trying to find joy again, purpose, and hope that I may find a man who will protect me, fight for me, and choose me.

I have been missing my ex, who initially broke the camel's back, I haven't been able to open my heart to anyone, even God.

When I think about Mary Magdalene I cannot help but see her in me. I know this woman, who no one nurtured, no one cared enough to see her worth or value, not even her family, not even her church leaders who she looked up to for the answers, every man saw her as a sex object and something to use for pleasure. All people saw was something to be used instead of seeing the treasured gift that she was.

I have been reminiscing that I gave my entire heart to my ex, I loved him with every part of my being, I had never loved someone the way I loved him, I gave my life in so many ways and through many years. Because my ex was the 15-year-old I was trying to protect all those years ago.

After being traumatized by my mentor, I wasn't looking for a relationship, but this man came into my life again, God told me he mattered, after my pastors told me he was not worth any amount of time or effort, he was a hopeless cause, But God told me to go to him and be there for him. My pastors called me whore, and our being together wasn't of God. I was naked and ashamed and they were pointing the finger stoning me to the core of my being, my soul.

My ex stood up for me, and that was the day I never wanted to step back into a church again. I was done with Christians, In April of 2019, I still attended church, but as soon as 2020 came, I was done with church completely as those pastors, spread rumors I was on drugs and me being mentally unstable, granted I was because of the curses they spoke onto me and the trauma I had previously endured prior at Bible college.

We eventually moved to Arizona, my ex and I, hoping and praying our lives would be different, but I was still living in a PTSD state, my ex couldn't help, and he eventually became the reason for my episodes, restraining me, putting bruises on me, calling cops on me for my outbursts, instead of being the safety and secure place I needed him to be, he couldn't be the savor I needed, instead he left me and cheated on me with his now wife.

In 2023, he came to my home 8 times, he showed up a week after proposing to his wife, wanting sex, wanting to have one last time, and he showed up a week before Christmas 2 months before his wedding.

My heart couldn't bear how he treated me, and how he initially saw me, like everyone I have encountered, all I was to him was a sex object, I was only there to please him, and I wasn't looked at as a wife or a mother to him. This broke every part of my being. The pain of loving someone and in turn them never loving you like you did, I can't describe that pain. It's been 3 years and my heart still feels broken into millions of pieces.

Through the years this brought a lot of reflection. Do I even represent a wife or mother, am I even going to be one? Why do I just get passed by? Am I not enough to be a wife, am I the problem? Do I just look like a whore? Am I just looked at as a man's pleasure toy?

I have been healing from this relationship since 2021, and it feels like just yesterday I went through all of this.

it has been such a painful experience, it has felt like I won't be able to recover, or like my heart will ever be able to fall in love again.

I can't tell you why I miss my ex with all of me, even after all the mistreatment, but again I had never loved someone the way I loved him.

As I reflect on that simple moment Mary had with Jesus, I long for that moment of experience where I am free from my past, free from the accusations, and the definition of others.

I just want to experience the freedom of what I endured, I want to be free from the shame, I want to know the love of the Father. I want to know how fully seen and accepted I am to Him.

I can't imagine what it was like to have Jesus come to Mary and say, where are your accusers, go and sin no more, you will be one of my disciples, helping and setting others free from what you have endured yourself.

I long to know what true freedom is, I still seem stuck in this place of my past, and I know so many feel this way as well. I don't know How to move forward, but what I do know is that God will lead me out, I just don't know how or what that looks like.

I see my mother who lost my father two years ago, they were married almost 50 years together, having been through hell, addiction, domestic abuse, and much more. I see her lost without a partner, even though it was dysfunctional, but I see where she is because I understand the lack of purpose of not having a partner in this life.

I see the need for Jesus and the intimate relationship He is longing to have with us, but I seem disconnected in a sense do you accept all of me? Am I enough for you?

Will you still love me if I mess up?

I found myself in a place of hopelessness, even though god did make me a promise of marriage, of someone who I thought was going to change the trajectory of my future, I met the person God told me was my husband, I couldn't tell you the hope I had, the relief and the life I had within my heart.

Now it has been three years after with no person in sight, this man didn't want anything to do with me, another rejection, even when I thought he was the one God said would be the one to choose me.

I sit here, just hopeless again, I have men who would love to date me, but if I am being honest, I don't want to date them. I want to be held, I want someone who wants to have a relationship with Jesus with me. I want someone who will go through the hard times with me in grace and patience.

I have had times where my heart has felt things it hasn't in a long time for another, but there is no way I can have a relationship with this individual due to an age difference, I don't want to date younger again, and I am done with dating men younger than me.

I know God sees my heart, and what I essentially want. but this is where I ask myself do I have too high of standards, am I protecting myself, and do I know what I want?

I am lost not going to lie. I have been trying my best to go deeper into God, but there is a blockage I am starting to see, it is hard to receive from God when you can't even love yourself.

I know I have God on my side, and He has a great plan for my life, but I am human and I have doubts concerning my future with a partner. This is the biggest stretch of my faith.

I know it's not easy after love and finding love after heartbreak. I am human and this is who I am.

I am not perfect, but at least I can be honest and transparent.

I pray for those going through the same thing, this is not forever, it is for a time, God has better, he has an amazing destiny, and He has good plans for us. He never fails and is always faithful to His promises, Hold on to god even when it's hard trusting Him, I know not seeing away brings discouragement and uncertainty, but God sees the way, and He will make it plain when it's time.